When I Went Crazy
by KatyForReal
Summary: "She's gone. And she's alone. Without me. Cammie, what have you done?" What Zach did and how he felt after Cammie ran away, and he was left to his own devices. Also, what he was thinking when she came back.
1. Chapter 1

**Aaaannndd, cue dramatic music... First ever deep angst-ridden, frenzy fic. Hope you feel saddened and moved by this. (Who would****_ enjoy_**** reading about pain? If you do, then you need some Pixar movies and a hotdog. Pronto.) Like it or whatever, and tell me what you think! Tell me what you ACTUALLY think, such as: complaints, things I could improve on, etc. I'm a tough person. Bring it! XD READ THIS THINGY MABOB. please.**

She was gone.

I couldn't believe it. She was actually _gone._

And she left without me.

Cammie, what have you done?

This morning I found her letter, and all I could do was stare at it and not fully understand the words.

She asked for no one to follow her. And even if we tried, we wouldn't have much to go on. She's slippery that way.

"Bex? Macey? Liz?" I called into her dorm room, where three tired and sleep deprived looking girls answered the door.

It was about six in the morning on a Saturday, so they weren't all that happy to see me.

"What do you want, Goode?" Macey asked, rubbing her eyes.

"Cam, Zach's here!" Liz called to the room.

A while of silence.

"Cam?" Liz walked to the back of the room where her bed was, and shook the lump. The lump that was made of pillows.

Bex looked at the bed then back to me, her eyes wide. Then she got angry.

"Where is she?" she asked accusingly.

I just stared at her. My eyes darting back and forth between the three people who were starting to look like they were on the verge of a panic attack.

"I don't know."

~hooplah~

I couldn't stay with the Baxters.

For the first few weeks, everything was tension filled and slow. Bex's parents were conscious and wary of me, and Bex was just angry and upset. I liked to think that I was doing okay, and that Cammie was fine and probably just hanging out in Nebraska or something, but I'm not that stupid. I know that I was cracking, and that the horrible gnawing in my stomach wasn't really reassuring me that Cammie was alright. I have good instincts, but they all seemed to leave me when I went crazy.

"What are you doing?!" Bex exclaimed when she saw me tearing through papers, not even bothering to be quiet.

We were in a hotel room in some country, I just couldn't think of where at the moment. I couldn't really think of anything. Except Cammie.

"You should go back to sleep." I mumbled, pulling out a highlighter and shakily drawing over the printed words that didn't seem to make any sense to me.

"What are those?" she asked, pointing to Cam's reports.

"You know what they are," I said distractedly, breathing heavily in and out.

I had swiped copies of her reports before we left Gallagher. Her words had changed too much from the time of her dating Jimmy to the one before she left. Her words became harder, colder, and less naïve. But they were on and off, like she still had some of that big-eyed little girl who liked the name "Suzie" and found solace in traveling through secret passageways in her. Then there was the other side of her, the one that was curious, confused, mysterious, calculating, beautiful and wise. The one who asked me so many questions. The one I can't stay away from. The one I can't find.

I continued reading her words, trying to find anything that could lead me to where she was, or what she was doing. She's one tough girl; I'll give her that. But going after the Circle . . . That was risky, admirable, and completely and utterly stupid.

Why didn't she take me with her? I'm kind of smart in this area, and she knows that. But she's so unpredictable.

"Stop!" Bex yelled, grabbing my wrists and jerking them away from the papers.

I looked at her.

"You think you can just do this? That this is okay? Just because Cammie ditched all her training doesn't mean you can too!" she said, breathing hard.

She sounded intimidating, but her eyes were scared and unsure, while mine, I'm sure, just looked insane.

"You don't get it," I said quietly, "You don't know what people like them do to spies like her. People like her. People who have something they want. They don't have a code. They're selfish and the only thing they know how to do is kill. I can't just stay here and wait for her to come back when she most likely won't! I have to do something."

She looked at me,

"You're going to leave too, aren't you?" she asked.

I looked down and the crumpled paper in my hands.

"Yeah."

"Where are you going to go?" Bex questioned, crossing her arms.

"No where that I'll want to take pictures of." I said.

With that, she nodded and walked away, leaving me to my mess and frantic expression.

I truly am crazy if I do this. But I'm kind of at plan Z here.

~vrrooooom~

Going after my mother didn't end up that well. Let me just tell you, when she doesn't want to be found, she won't be found. Some of the Circle's goons came to the café I was at in France, and we had a little . . . talk. There were guns involved, and I _really _don't like guns. I walked out with only a scratch on my leg. The other guys . . . not so much. I don't think I've ever felt more like my mother than right then. It sickened me.

I heard that my mom was in Italy, but then again, that could've been a lie. She does that. Lie.

I eventually had to go back to Gallagher. The school year was starting, and I would be attending there, now. Everything there reminded me of Cammie, and how I wasn't good enough to find her. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for that.

~ the last squiggly thing ~

She's alive.

But she doesn't look like it.

Cammie.

When I first saw her, I couldn't say anything. Her hair was black and short, her shoulders were narrow, and I felt her ribs when I brushed past her. She was tan and lean, and she looked like hell.

And it was all my fault.

I gave her the idea to run away, and I wasn't even fast enough to run with her. All I wanted to do was be with her; keep her safe. But I couldn't do that. Nobody ever can. In this business, lives are about as valuable as a flashlight. People put them to good use, and are grateful for them, but if one goes out, they only stagger in the dark for a second, then find their way once more.

But Cam was so much more than that. She was vital to me. And now she's burnt out, dark, and unrecognizable.

"It's different now," I told her when I first touched her. Her hair was rough, but not as rough as her expression. I felt like she had become me before I met her. Afraid, paranoid, and angry. She just wanted to know. But I agreed with everyone else; something's we're better off not knowing.

And when her lips burned on mine, her hands roaming my chest, telling me that she remembered this, she remembered me, I finally became sane again. She was hurt and scared, but she was still strong and very willed. She was going to be okay. I was going to be okay. We we're going to be vital, not just a simple light. I'll always be crazy, but then again, who isn't? Cammie is my crazy. That's the best kind.

**I really don't like angsty-dramatic writing, but Ms. Dandelion Loaves wanted it, and who am I to deny someone happiness? Or angsty-ness? I'll tell ya who, someone who needs a hug from a grandmother and a cookie, that's who. Review, por favor! Oh, and, serious sad face, my recording of Blue Crush 2 ISN'T WORKING. I'm so upset. And surfer movie deprived.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey there, guuuyyysss! Whaaas' up? Anyways, I seem to be pretty in to this one/two shot thing, so if you want me to write something that will capture your interest, I'm all over it like a fat kid on a fudge cicle. PM's and reviews are best. THE BEST. They are amazing, and boost my ego even more. Just thought I'd let you know. Peace out, cubscouts!**

**- Kaitlyn**


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